I have been feeling some physical symptoms come up in my body the last few days which is not unusual surrounding the anniversary of my dad’s death. Tomorrow will be four years since his passing from stage four pancreatic cancer.
My dad was one of the strongest people I knew and I felt like he was invincible, we all did. So it was a shock to the system to find out he had cancer, that it was inoperable and then to watch him waste away four months from receiving the diagnosis.
Even as I’m writing this, I’m realizing the significance of the number Four in all of this. I have been wondering why the fourth anniversary feels harder than all of the rest so far.
It’s interesting how numbers and numerology has been popping more prevalently into my life in the last few weeks. I’ve always had a relationship with numbers and even as a small child would watch for numbers as signs and as wish grantors just like the stars.
Anyway, yesterday I did a meditation and in the middle of it, I had a realization of some anger that was coming up for me surrounding his death so I wrote it out as a poem. It’s not as smooth as I usually prefer but it’s still raw and meaningful to me.
Deepest Wound by Tatiana Wyand 4/18/22 How can you be gone My mind doesn't realize What my heart knows to be real No more bear hugs No more laughter No more joy beaming from your eyes It's been four years Since I've held your hand Since I've heard your laugh The grief of loosing you Keeps coming up inside When I least expect it When I'd rather hide I didn't have much of you When I was young and was a child I knew you loved me I knew you felt pride But you weren't around much Too busy to just sit and spend time They say I have abandonment issues But I didn't ever mind Until this very moment When I realized you leaving this world Opened the deepest wound The deepest sense of abandonment of all time You were supposed to stay To be responsible for caring for The person who needed you Who needed you the most Now she needs me Needs from me in a way In a way I don't know how to sustain The broken leading the broken The drowning saving the drowning You were supposed to stay this time You weren't supposed to run away How dare your body fail you How dare your body fail us This was your time to make up for All the time you were too busy before The ultimate abandonment In death four years ago Now I'm left to pick up the pieces Shaking my head over and over This cannot be life This cannot be real I want to forgive you For the biggest betrayal But I need you, daddy I miss you so deeply Help me pick up the pieces Help me heal this wound I still feel you near me Can still hear your words "I love you, darling" in your funny country drawl My heart still swells whenever I hear you And despite the pain and anger In my mind I still run to you Feel your arms wrap around me And I sigh Daddy, I love you as well.