Thoughts: Part seven- Evolution of my sexuality

Thoughts: Part seven- Evolution of my sexuality

Where we left off: I found a local cis-guy whom I had incredible chemistry with but Devon and my relationship wasn’t as steady as we would have liked.

I was still not considering myself bisexual as I was so specific with the energy I was looking for within a cis-guy and felt way more open and interested in a vast array of women still in comparison. By now, I was identifying as queer as Devon was clearly not a woman nor presented as female so it no longer felt right to identify solely as a lesbian.

I had looked into the meaning of pansexual but from my understanding it means to be sexually interested in ALL gender identities and expressions. This didn’t fit me as well. So, queer is where I remained.

The fact that I had found a cis-guy that I was interested in dating so quickly rocked Devon as we both thought it would take me longer. I never expected to find someone who brought out the exact energy in me that I was longing for, so quickly.

This guy (I’m going to call him Local Guy, “LG”) had never entertained non-monogamy before and wasn’t exactly sure how comfortable he was with it but was interested in seeing how it went. Devon and I had negotiated boundaries we were both comfortable with in this new relationship and LG had also agreed to the boundaries on that first date before we even kissed.

Me being physically interested in a cis-guy stirred up feelings in Devon, bringing up his gender dysphoria and desire to become and present more masculine than he was. There were some other major circumstances that came up at this time that I mentioned in my previous post that took any disagreement we were having to a level we had never experienced before in our relationship.

I was already in therapy at the time and Devon found a great therapist for himself as well. Therapy, personal boundaries and a willingness to keep communicating even through the hardest fights are what kept us going.

We loved each other so deeply and wanted to make each other happy but also believed in standing up for ourselves and our own needs as well.

My relationship with LG had its highs and lows. He couldn’t understand or reconcile how to love someone who wasn’t available to share his life and day-to-day with. Several times things ended and started back up between us. But this dynamic was familiar to me as it is very similar to my relationship with my high school sweetheart, as we too would end things and start back up as life permitted. It was never a lack of love or desire for each other that broke us apart. And the same has been true for LG and myself.

During the times of separation with LG, I would go on other dates with cis-guys but never had that same energetic connection or chemistry with anyone else. There was just some cosmic connection at play for us just like there has been for me and my high school sweetheart. The two of them have such similar energies, it’s sometimes surreal.

Ethical non-monogamy is a complex and beautiful construct. I do want to do a dedicated post talking just about it. But one of the aspects I appreciate deeply is being able to have multiple types of romantic partners that bring out a multitude of personality traits and interests in me.

Having romantic relationships that challenge me to look at some patterns or beliefs I have about relationships or myself is another incredible aspect for me. I find it so special when someone comes into my life that symbolically holds up a mirror to my old wounds and traumas and lovingly helps me process through them, and I can do the same for them. LG has been one of those relationships. He and I have walked each other through so many past traumas and patterns and keep encouraging each other to face fears and be even better partners to each other when we are together, as well as to other partners.

My relationship with Devon definitely challenges me as well, but it’s mostly been easy and full of light and love with him which is why it’s been so wonderful to have him as my life partner and to know he’s the one I’m making a home with. He makes me laugh endlessly as well as ignites passion within me. It’s a beautiful and unique energy between us that grounds me still to this day. I can count on him showing up and being there for me no matter what and he can count on me.

Getting through the end of 2018 and beginning of 2019 was pretty rough for us though. Devon had his moments of being ok and supportive of my relationship with LG, and his moments of struggling to be supportive as well. We started seeing a therapist together to help us work through some of the wounds we had inflicted in each other during those first few blazing fights.

This is when Devon brought up that he was feeling like he wanted to explore going on testosterone again. Around this same timeframe, I had a premonition that we would be leaving our apartment and buying our first house.

Times were stressful in both the good and the bad sense. Things were still on and off with LG, I was feeling resentful towards Devon for bringing up going on testosterone again as I feared it would lead to the end of our relationship as it almost had before, and we were on the hunt for a house in a crazy housing market.

A month into our house hunt, I found our home. I got chills when I saw the listing online for it and knew there was something special about it. Devon had said to tell him when I found something worth looking at, that he would only go see the ones I had a feeling about. We went the next day to the open house, met the owners and became fast friends with them and fell head over heels in love with the house. We are still close friends with the previous owners, an adorable queer couple whose wedding we went to just last October. I’ve even become extremely close friends with one of their sisters! 🙂

During all the negotiations and paperwork of purchasing the house, I was struggling hardcore about what this meant for Devon and my relationship if he wanted to go further in his transition. I knew we were meant to buy the house but I didn’t know if we were meant to stay together at that point. The trepidation was so strong that I had Devon be the only one on the mortgage in case I needed to leave the relationship.

While we were in therapy trying to work through Devon’s gender dysphoria, I brought up his pronouns and if it would make him more comfortable to remove the she/her option. We had tried out using primarily they/them pronouns for Devon at one point, but I found it incredibly hard to communicate with other people about him and ended up just using his name multiple times in a sentence such as “Devon went to go get Devon’s car so that Devon could drive me somewhere.” What’s interesting is that we have several friends who prefer they/them pronouns and I find it quite easy to use they/them for them. But, I think it’s because it’s more rare to be referring to those friends in my daily life.

Devon also didn’t find using they/them pronouns to be particularly fitting even though he is still open to having them used for him. We decided to try out he/him pronouns and he made an announcement at his work and to a lot of our family members and friends.

Several years ago, Oregon changed the law that anyone could choose to put an “X” for their gender marker on their drivers license and he was one of the first to get it done. He still feels somewhere in between, not female, not male but since there isn’t a distinct gender pronoun to indicate this alone, he has been most comfortable with using he/him.

For months, we fought over his desire to move forward with becoming more masculine and incorporating testosterone. We also fought over my resentment and fear of how this could possibly lead to the end of our relationship as it had almost broken us up seven years previously.

He kept saying that it would be different this time as he had a great doctor who would make sure he was on the right dosage and would be keeping a close eye on his progress. But my fear of losing him as he is and losing the life we had together as it was, drove me to keep pushing back on this change.

We were at a standstill, I told him he had the right to choose what to do with his body and for himself but that I couldn’t predict how I would feel about it as it happened. He didn’t want to move forward without my blessing as he was also scared of what would become of us if I wasn’t on board.

During one of my meditations, a thought came to me. If I were to look back on this time when I’m in my 70s or 80s, would I think to myself, “Thank god I stuck to my guns and kept fighting him on this!” or would I think, “Why the fuck did I stand in his way for so long when he just needs to explore what will make him feel whole?”

I realized how ridiculous the hill I was fighting to die on was. I loved him, I wanted him to be happy and healthy. I needed to trust him, to be willing to go on this adventure with him. I needed to give him the support and security he needed in order to move forward into the unknown. I needed to love him as unconditionally as I was capable. And so I did.

And that decision was the beginning of our healing journey.

Ok, until next time! xoxo

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