Thoughts: Part eight- Evolution of my sexuality

Where we left off: I finally gave Devon my blessing and support to further his transition with testosterone and use of he/him pronouns, we bought our first house but there were still some deep wounds between Devon and myself caused by our fights when I started dating cis-men again.

It’s been a slow and tender journey for Devon and me to come back to the level of trust we once had with each other. The kind of trust where you know you’re safe being vulnerable in front of that person, that they won’t hold things against you or make you feel judged for being yourself. We always had that kind of trust in each other, but those fights crumbled our foundation and we felt every brick being put back in place to make it strong and stable again.

The pandemic was really hard for us at first as we weren’t feeling close at the time and were still dealing with a lot of turmoil. But with continued therapy both solo and together, and with putting in a lot of effort by making time for those hard conversations, and just time to prove our trustworthiness to each other again, we were able to get mostly back to where we were before the fights.

Dating outside of our marriage halted abruptly due to the pandemic which posed new stresses for us as it changed the dynamic once more within our relationship. We have never relied on each other solely for all of our needs and now we were trying to navigate how to get all of our needs met as well as deal with the fear and stress of living through a global pandemic.

There was a brief period after the first set of vaccines where we felt safe again to date so I went on a few dates. It was when I was back on the dating apps that I saw all the new terminology for gender expression and sexual identification.

I came across the term “polysexual” and I was intrigued! I know about being polyamorous but polysexual? So, I looked it up. “Polysexuality is the sexual attraction to various, but not necessarily all, genders.[1].” (Source link)

This clicked for me! I loved the openness of it just like with queer but it felt even more specific to me. I am sexually attracted to various genders but not necessarily all.

It amazes me how much new terminology has developed in just the past few years and even though I would love to live in a world where we don’t ever have to label ourselves, I am grateful to have an influx of options for people to try on to see what might fit just right.

I do not believe we need to label ourselves for others to be able to understand us or accept us more. I see finding labels and identities that feel right as a way of connecting with others who share commonalities with us. Just like when I let people know that I’m a knitter, that I paint, that I write, enjoy camping, love animals and travel. It can help forge a connection with someone you’d least expect to have anything in common with.

These new terminologies are also creating a world where kids are understanding that they have options, the world isn’t as binary as we experienced it to be growing up and that it’s ok to explore who they are.

Shows like Netflix’s Heartstopper, which I cannot stop watching or talking about, give a beautiful representation of life where it’s ok to be you and it’s ok to figure things out as they come up for you. It’s the kind of show I wish I had available when I was young. A show that gives hope and shows healthy and happy queer relationships and friendships and supportive parents. If you haven’t watched it yet, get to it! I haven’t spoiled anything…It’s the kind of show where your heart feels like it has expanded at least 30 times its original size filling with so much joy, love and happiness.

As far as dating goes, we are still in a pandemic and both Devon and I continue to be cautious. I have been using this time away from dating to work on myself without the exciting distractions of new love and romance. It has been hard but super rewarding. Devon and I are continuing to deepen our love and connection and finding ways to evolve together which is always a gift and beautiful thing.

But I won’t lie, I am more than ready to get back to our “normal” of dating again. I can’t say when we will feel comfortable to start being intimate with other people as we still wear masks while indoors even with our friend groups. It is getting warmer though so outdoor activities are back on the table!

I know, without a doubt, we will get back to our “normal” again somehow. And with the continued work we have put into our relationship and ourselves, I feel confident we we won’t ever get to the scary place we were in 2018 and 2019. We understand not to make any assumptions about each other anymore and we’ve found a language to work through things that upset us or make us uncomfortable. We’ve also made way more space for each other to continue to grow in whichever direction feels most authentic and have shown each other support in that.

And as far as what I call Devon in relation to our marriage and his gender within it, we still don’t have a satisfactory term. He’s no longer my “wife” and he’s not my “husband”. The only other terms that seem to work are “spouse” which feels so clinical, or “partner” which doesn’t feel significant enough.

When I feel it’s important for someone to know we are legally married, I use “spouse” but most other times I used “partner.” Devon still uses “wife” in reference to me. I’m hoping someday there will be a magical perfect fitting term I can use for him both in gender pronouns and as an indication of our marital status. Fingers crossed!

Well, there you have it! What I thought was going to be a quick 1-2 post series exploring the evolution of my sexuality has turned into a sprawling 8 post thing!

I want to thank you all for coming back to read each new post and for letting me know how they have touched you or encouraged you or given you a sense of community in being different and living a unique life.

We all deserve love and happiness. It doesn’t have to look a certain way either. Dream your wildest dreams, listen to your heart. And take action.

We are the only one’s who can make it happen for ourselves: through self exploration, communication and vulnerability. I support you all in going after what you need and want in order to be your most authentic self and have a life that feels enriching and alive.

This series is over but it’s not the end of these types of conversations as I’ve mentioned wanting to tease out more about certain topics I’ve touched on along the way.

If there has been anything I’ve touched on that you are curious to hear or learn more about, please let me know either in the comments below or through a DM on Instagram @tatianawyand

I look forward to the continued conversations! Take care everyone and Happy Pride Month!

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