Thoughts: Standing tall

Hello! I thought a lot more on what I was saying in my last blog post about embracing my truest self and no longer shrinking to fit other people’s image of what I should be in order to keep them comfortable. This led me to realize how much I had been editing myself and my life for my parents, especially my mom, for the last 20 years or so.

I had been angry with her for times when I had been vulnerable and her reaction had me feeling tender, judged and not accepted for who I was. I know she would never intentionally hurt me but I was still wounded all the same. So, as the years went on, I gave her fewer and fewer opportunities to make me feel that way. Or should I say, I provided fewer opportunities for myself to feel that way.

I’m not saying protecting yourself from hurt and perceived rejection is always wrong or bad. But it was hindering my mom and myself from having access to a level of friendship and respect that I know I want to have with her.

We don’t know what life will bring, or how long we have with those in our lives, so this became a step I began meditating on trying to figure out if I really had to open up and show her all of me or if I could squeak by without doing it. But, again, it was pushing on my mind constantly that I had to do it for myself more than anything.

I needed to prove to myself that I was able to stand up for myself, believe in myself and show that I am proud of all of me, even in the face of possible fear, misunderstanding and rejection.

These possibilities were the feared responses I was worried my mom would have when I opened up fully to her.

I was also worried how she would react to finding out how little she actually knew about me all of these years and whether or not this revelation would hurt her.

The thing is, my mom is also very intuitive so a few weeks ago when we were talking on the phone, she started to mirror back to me the feelings I had been feeling for so many years: that she felt she had disappointed me, that she had to walk on eggshells when talking with me so I wouldn’t get upset with her, that she could no longer be herself around me.

Wow, this became obvious to me that it was time to have the conversation I had been so scared to have. I told her that I had come to realize I had been pushing her away for more reasons that I was previously aware and wanted to talk with her about it.

There was some initial pushback on her part as what I had to say was hard for her to hear but she is so gracious and loving that she quickly started to hear me and understand where I was coming from.

I was able to talk to her about some old wounds I had from the way I perceived some of her behaviors when I was a child and how they still affect me today. I was able to tell her I understood why she had those behaviors and that I forgive her, that I know she did her absolute best and I have so much grace for her.

I had an incredible childhood and was lucky to have two parents who loved me dearly. I think we can have seemingly perfect childhoods but each of us will still come away with various wounds and traumas despite our parents doing the best they could.

I’m just happy to be able to see the root of these traumas for me and my parents and for that knowledge to help me down the path of healing those wounds and traumas today.

In continuing the conversation with my mom, I was able to share a more detailed view of my witchy practices and beliefs. This was hard as I knew hearing some of the things I told her would cause her to have some fear or worry about me.

Being raised Seventh-Day Adventist, I was taught that people who believe the things I do or who practice spirituality the way I do are letting the devil into their heart or are worshiping the devil. I know this couldn’t’ be farther from the truth as I don’t even believe in the devil. I do believe there is energy in the universe that may not be the highest vibration but I don’t see them as inherently evil and I try to only work with and call on the highest and loving vibrations and energies.

I understand that it may not all make sense to her but I hope she at least can rest easy that anything I do believe or practice is in celebration of love, light and healing.

The other big thing I didn’t think I ever would reveal to my mom is that I practice ethical non-monogamy. But, it is not something I ever feel shame about and actually feel the opposite. I feel proud of the fact that I have been successfully married to a person whom I have loved passionately for over a decade and we have been able to navigate and flourish having an ethical non-monogamous relationship.

This concept doesn’t make much sense to my mom and she has some fears for me but with everything I told her that day, the thing I wanted to stress to her was that I was not trying to change her mind on anything. She doesn’t have to understand or agree with me on the right or wrong of any of it. What I asked of her is to give me the respect I give her. She has her beliefs that feel right for her and work for her, make sense for her and I am happy that she is living a life that brings her comfort and joy. I don’t share her same beliefs but I don’t need to in order to be happy for her and respect the decisions she makes for her own life. This is all I ask of her, of anyone in my life really.

I told her that I wanted her to know me, all of me. I no longer wanted to edit my life and I wanted to give us the opportunity to have a deep and meaningful relationship again for as long as we have together in this life.

I feel so lucky that she heard me and agreed. We agreed that if anything comes up for us that feels sticky, we just talk about it right then so we can keep moving forward in respect and love.

Standing up for myself, proving to myself that I am worth fighting for made a huge impact on my day to day life. I am seeing my value, my worth in all aspects of my life and am treasuring each opportunity to reinforce the choice to be my fullest, truest self.

I know being vulnerable with important people in your life is so freaking scary and I know that I got so lucky with how my confrontation went. But I was prepared to stand my ground no matter the reaction I got from my mom. I felt resolute in my right to be able to show up fully as myself and that I am worth love and acceptance as I am, not just an edited down version of me.

You are worth love and acceptance just as you are, all of you, even the parts that make you or others uncomfortable. Whether you want to hide those parts because you’ve been taught to be ashamed or if you are not ashamed but hide them to make those around you more comfortable. I encourage you to close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine what it would feel like to be able to be fully yourself and receive all the love and acceptance from everyone you love and respect. What would it feel like to know that they all see you, the real you, and treasure you completely, value you completely, just the way you are?

I can tell you what it feels like for me: it’s pretty fucking magical…rainbows and unicorns magical. It makes me want to cry with joy knowing that there is no one in my life that I have to “change or alter myself” for. And I want that for you.

I believe in you. You are capable. You are worth fighting for.